Social commentator speaks out
Better than Sex
BRACE YOURSELF WINS A $50 GIFT VOUCHER TO THE PLEASURE SPOT WHICH SPECIALISES IN ON-LINE EROTICA
I WASN’T surprised by a recent hotel industry survey that showed couples who go away are more likely to watch television than have sex.
Around 80 per cent of Australian hotel guests responded that they preferred to turn on the TV or an in-house movie instead of their partner, the online survey revealed.
It seems to me that most people in long-term relationships are more driven by a need to escape the mundane, and become part of a murder mystery or medical crisis, than have a shag.
And most people I interviewed had 1 to 3 things they’d rather be doing than having sex with their partners. I casually asked a few people who’ve been together five years or longer. Here are some of the answers:
“Eat chocolate mousse; watch House; sleep; anything; eat a home-cooked lasagne; play with the dog; watch internet porn; watch a great film; read Vanity Fair; be skiing; watch soccer; go to a great dance party; be online; have sex but with someone else.”
What are the things you find better than sex? Or how do you keep it hot & spicy?
Go to “comments” button above
Read full story in today’s The Australian
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#2 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
Mary men go through andropause similar to menopause. Hormone replacement ie Testosterone and its precursors work wonders for men. There are other things too. A good sex therapist is Jo Anne Baker in Sydney on 93610433. See her credentials on her website The Pleasure Spot. Click on About Jo Anne Baker. If you are not in Sydney she may be able to help over the phone or refer you to a reliable doctor for men in this area. Good luck Ruth
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There is nothing that I prefer more than a good shag with my partner of almost 8 years. In all that time my desire for her has not changed in the least.
She may think differently and seems to have set times when she is keen for a shag, if late at night she will often prefer to sleep rather than have sex. I personally find this frustrating as I will shag at any hour of the day.
So for her, there are times when she would prefer to sleep than have sex. She also thinks that there are times when a simple cuddle is better than sex. Very different for me though, nothing in this big wide world is better than sex.
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Hi Ruth-
Put a comment on here last night but lost in the ether it seems or maybe you thought it too limp!After near 30 years-I reckon there should be something in this electronic age ( no nothing like that!) that each participant has that takes a password and it starts beeping when it gets a match.
It could well save a lot of time anguish or embarrisment on the male side of town!
I have blissful memories from back around 2001 before Sept 11 of driving my 450 hp loader with its 30 ft stickrake on sunny winters days- listening to Bruce Springsteen tapes whilst turning my own country of suckers and dead logs into a manicured parklike landscape.
A real romantic ,aren’t I
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Hi Ruth, I loved reading this column, it made me laugh and was as heartening as a Sunday roast on a cold winters night. Once upon a lifetime ago sex was a very desirable and sought after activity for me, a time when not having, or desiring, sex was unthinkable. But, oh, how times have changed and I am that person who does not want to have sex. I would rather do anything than have sex and life has never felt so good. Go figure, but it is true!
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HI, interesting topic, Ruth (as usual!). My husband and I were recently told in some (Christian) marriage counselling that those who pray together have better sex! I thought ‘What??’ It seems to be true I have to say
Other things to keep it hot is we turn the tv on – for the kids on Sat mornings, close the doors and voila! (we still need a good lock on our door) All good… -
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Ruth, this scene is just another reason for society to take up, or at least approve of, polyamory. So the answer to your question “What is better than sex with your partner?” could very easily be ‘Sex with my other partner’, or even ‘Sex with one of my friends with benefits’, (rather than ‘Sex with someone else’s partner’). Polyamory is, at the moment, just a wild thing, but as it developed, it could be as stable as any monogamous or monoandrous relationship. Then it could then be called polyfidelity. I like that better as a name, actually. Sounds almost civilised.
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This year I have left my marriage of 26 years primarily because of zero sex. Right now at 51, at uni, many interests, kids grown and peak fitness I am loving sex. As often as possible, no holds barred. It’s definitely about confidence and playfulness, but also about life balance – gotta have the time and the energy. Re sheets: soft, smooth sheets definitely add to the overall aesthetic.
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#16 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
Good on you sarahmojo I have to say that I did much the same; left a long term marriage, went back to Uni, travel heaps and have taken up with a wonderful (younger) man. Not a lot younger but enough to keep me on my toes — or rather off them. I am not advocating leaving good relationships because the sex goes off. The sex can always be resparked, but both people have to want it to be. And therein lies the problem. If one person won’t come to the party and one person is still up for it, it does unfortunately signal the end for most people.
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Ruth, you are so right about high self-esteem and libido. Absolutely, spot on (cough). Passion in longer term relationships? Seems oxymoronic, doesn’t it. You just grow to become good mates – well, that’s what most I know eventually become. As for the 65 year old gent whose wife is no longer interested. Sorry, but most men I know of 65 have lost the plot and are surprised their wives aren’t interested. Now, if it was someone 30 years younger…!!! (Censored)
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#20 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
Hi Mischi as we laughed about yesterday on Facebook I’m spending the weekend curled up watching DVDs with beloved. On a cold winter night, having your loved one’s around you on the couch with a box of nice chocolates and a great movie is…..dare I admit it….better than sex! And I never thought I would say that
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Clearly Polyester would be a distraction i can also understand fishermans pants and nanna rugs ..maybe you have scratched the surface as to why we are watching Pornstars ,scream in delight on kitchen tables or in some outdoor setting having wild sex …..its minus the distractions of clearly undesirable fabrics .Keep on scratching Ruth your onto somthing
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Hi Ruth thanks for the article love your research and very sad to here the night in a hotel no longer ignites the torch of passion ….has anyone surveyed hotel rooms that charge out at an hourly rate , or is everyone just watching porn on the internet and rolling around in offensive bed linen (braceyourself) Love your work
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#23 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
LOL. I think it was hotels that cater to the holiday market. But re Brace Yourself I know people who get put off sex so easily. Someone once told me he was put off by a woman’s couch throw over. Can you imagine that. Things were going swimmingly but he said it was knitted like a Nana doilly and this put him off. A woman I know was turned off by the guy wearing fisherman’s pants. She couldn’t believe anyone would go out for dinner so poorly dressed. I was once dumped after the first date for wearing Polyester. Well, I can understand that one myself now. But what would turn you off and make you walk away from a good shag?
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#27 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
The Golden Door Health retreat outside of Sydney offers them but its a long way to Hunter Valley unless you stay overnight which I highly recommend. A friend of mine used to do them in Sydney and another one in Byron Bay. The Sydney guy moved to Bali, but there are therapists doing them. Perhaps you should Google.
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My one thing that is better than sex is floating in warm water. I am very sensual and like you Ruth found no loss of libido as I got older. But I would still trade the best sex in the world to be emersed in the warmth. My favourite is clear warm ocean water; but I am happy in a very warm heated pool. Best of all is having sex while in warm water but as a woman who’s been married for 20 years I’m grateful for a foot rub from time to time!
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#29 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
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The three things I would rather do than have sex with my ex are:
1. Drink freshly squeezed lime juice with Madori on a warm day by a cold pool
2. Going very fast in a speed boat
3. Watching reruns of Desperate Housewives; Mad Men; old moviesThere are probably about 20 more. What happened to our love? I turned 48. Ruth I don’t know what you and your friends are on, but babe, I have lost it big time since peri menopause.
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#31 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
Going back to University has really helped me. I feel alive again and vital. Doing fantastic things like study and travel lift all your hormones and because of the overall feeling of wellbeing your libido lifts. I promise you this is our secret of success. We’re all mums, but we work and we study new and fascinating things, and we keep growing and moving forward rather than complaining about our men, or our ageing faces and bodies. OK we complain a bit… yes, but I make myself so busy that the focus is all on the positive. A strong self-esteem is a good boost to a flagging sex drive.
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Our story is that after we had our second child we found that all we wanted to do was sleep. So we hired a baby sitter and tried to take time out to create a bit of romance. We were not even out for half an hour when the sitter texted us. Jonathan our older boy of 4 had decided to crawl into our bed. But instead of crawling into the bed itself he crawled inside the doona cover and got himself all tangled up. He got such a shock he wouldn’t stop screaming. We had to rush home. Those early years were filled with drama after drama. But we got through, We decided not to go out too much but we did find sexy movies and the occasional dress ups to help keep things a little steamy. The truth is unless you put the effort in when you have young kids, you can kiss sex goodbye. Thankfully they’re older. But my advise is don’t aim to high, do what you can. But do something.
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i think back to a romantic weekend at a Band B in the Blue Mountains ,the sheets were a brown and orange 70s design and the beds looked like somthing out of the Sullivans . it was a real passion killer hitting the bed with loved one in arms . Maybe its a linen issue some of those hotel sheets are so starched ,but after reading other comments maybe not as alarming as a mouthful of dog or cat hair when you hit the pillow in a moment of passion
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#34 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
Brace Yourself you remind me of a dear friend of mine. What is this bed linen thing? He can’t have sex if the fabric isn’t good quality and I mean like top weave Egyptian cotton; he also has a real thing for floral design. He says anyone who has floral sheets can’t have any taste and therefore he goes cold. I think this is a fetish that hasn’t been revealed yet. I wonder if the opposite is true – that he doesn’t like someone and then sees that they have fabulous sheets and falls in love? As for the cat dog hair couldn’t agree more. And the smell of doggy… Sorry I am an animal lover as we all know, but one has to draw the line!
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Ruth in terms of keeping things hot and spicy, we do like adult entertainment as you call it. I noticed you admited that yourself – or rather your partner did in his letter in your Optus Telstra censorship blog. I think a lot of couples use porn to spice things up especially in long term relationships. it keeps things amusing. We laugh a lot. We actually laugh so much during the dreadful parts that we say we have laugh-gasms. Thanks Ruth, you are always so honest. It’s easy to be inspired to be honest after reading you PS I am enjoying the daily raves.
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My best “better than sex” story was that my partner brought home a puppy. That was the end of our sex life. He couldn’t get me into bed at night I just stayed up playing and playing. I would spring out of bed in the morning. Thankfully Jess grew bigger and became less cute or I think we would have been heading for divorce!
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#37 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
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Prefer to sex? I’m now a male at 65 and there is nothing I prefer to sex with my beautiful wife of 30 years. However she is in her 50s and menopausal and I suspect if she reads this she would be able to find 10 things she’d rather do than have sex! It’s not for lack of loving me, I know this. But for some reason her hormones have gone down and mine haven’t. Has any woman reading this tried HRT and does it help with libido. She won’t take them
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#41 written by Ruth Ostrow 1 year ago
Yes know many who have tried HRT. It doesn’t make libido a lot higher unless testosterone is added to the mix, but it does improve things and it makes sex more comfortable and thus women tend to stop avoiding it. It’s so silly no one talks about this stuff. Most women just become frightened because it all starts feeling different. But HRT puts the spring back into the zing if you get my meaning, and the more you do it, the more you want it. So tell her to give it a go, as long as a GP says she isn’t in a risky group
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I’m 51 menopausal but haven’t lost interest in sex although I was interested to hear about the benefits of HRT. It is my partner who has lost interest in sex over the last few years. stress, depression and anxiety seem to be the problems as I believe he does love and care for me. I do feel sad about it and wonder if it will ever get any better and it is hard being left wondering if sex will ever be okay again. I would be happy with some sex life rather than none.