Social commentator speaks out
Weekend Australian Columns
Friendship needs honesty
May 13th
Without boundaries and truth, our friendships are doomed
A WOMAN I work with was bemoaning the loss of a friendship so late in her life. At 56, she said, she honestly didn’t think it was possible to lose a 40-year friendship. ‘‘We’d been at school together, reared each other’s kids, shared our lives, lived abroad together. But suddenly it was over.’’
I asked her what she thought had ended it. ‘‘It was me. It was my fault the friendship ended.’’ She then went on to explain what is one of the most common phenomenon in friendships: the ‘‘not speaking out until its too late’’ syndrome. Sadly, it’s happened to so many of us. We sit on resentment, and sit on it, and sit on it, not knowing how to confront the person who is upsetting or offending us.
Then one day there’s a major explosion. We lose it after years or decades of keeping it in. A massive crater is then left where the friendship once was. ‘‘I don’t know if it’s because I’m a woman or whether men (also) experience this. But I just never wanted to confront my old friend on the things she was doing that were pissing me off. I was too scared,’’ she said.
‘‘I was always the one to instigate things, she just used to sit at home and pick and choose. She might come or might not, but I never got an invitation to her social events in return. It was really upsetting. But did I say something? No.
I just used to mope around like a victim. I’d winge to my other friends, but not her. I think once you let one upsetting incident go undealt with, then that friend just starts presuming you’ll tolerate unacceptable or unkind behaviour.’’
She went on to describe snide remarks that became more and more critical. ‘‘I would always wonder whether she meant it or not. Of course there were great times, too, which is why I stayed. But there were a thousand times I should have drawn a boundary. I just never did.’’
The fact is, we must set boundaries with our friendships. We must speak up about the things that are driving us crazy or hurting us. We have to have the courage to sit down over coffee or a drink and say: ‘‘This isn’t OK with me.’’ Or, ‘‘Are you aware you keep making critical and demeaning comments to me? Why are you doing that?’’ We need to make our friends, and ourselves, accountable. Sometimes it is our fault — and we need to hear this, too.
The irony is that confronting a friend will most likely save the relationship. It’s the not confronting that’s the killer. As the saying goes: ‘‘A big problem is just a small one not dealt with at the time.’’
Accepting loss
May 6th
One mother’s attitude to grief after the death of her child is causing controversy.
Last year I received an amazing letter from Julia Bianco-Garrouche, a woman who recently appeared on Insight talking about grief following the death of her daughter. It was in relation to a column I wrote about being criticised. I was the first journalist she’d talked to.
“We had moved to Sydney for my husband’s job and had been there about 18 months. Living in Paddington was starting to take its toll on our vivacious and free-spirited daughter, Yasmina, who at 9- years-old, felt cooped up in the terrace. So whenever we came back to our house near the beach north of Wollongong, she would fling open the front door and take off to explore, breathe the fresh air and let her imagination run wild.” More >
Don’t let life become a pain
Apr 29th
Experts now reveal chronic pain can be ignored
I MET a former doctor last year through a friend of a friend who was giving me some information on the pain in my shoulder. Mysteriously, some people develop an awful condition called frozen shoulder. It can come at any age and hit anyone: the capsule around the shoulder joint contracts, making it excruciating to move or sleep on. The dreaded frozen shoulder can last one to two years, with no known cure other than surgery — which I elected not to have.
Knowing the man’s history, I didn’t think he’d have much sympathy. He’s an adventurer and a risk-taker. He jumps from planes, abseils down the steepest cliffs, goes trekking in jungles and sailing down remote rivers. It’s hard to whine to a person who you just know would suck snake venom out of their own leg and keep going. More >
You can’t buy bliss
Apr 21st
The Rinehart famly saga proves there’s no automatic bliss for billionaires
IN the wake of the Rinehart family brawl, it’s obvious to onlookers that there’s no correlation between money and happiness. While most of us ponder the thrill that can come from having trough- loads of moolah, and indeed of power, the cost can often be huge.
Australia’s wealthiest person Gina Rinehart’s three eldest children have launched very public, very bitter action against her in court. The family feud is over ownership of the trust set up by their grandfather, Lang Hancock, for his grandchildren.
In the 1980s I wrote a bestseller, The New Boy Network, about the rich and powerful who dominated our business scene. The premise of the book was that the subjects all came from immigrant backgrounds and were self-made millionaires and billionaires. More >
Thinking Positive
Apr 15th
Neuroscientists have discovered that if you want to break a habit, stop trying to.
AN interesting thing happened recently. After two years of being over my desired body weight, I suddenly lost the weight very quickly. Of course, as the weight started falling off, I went to the doctor, who ordered all the mandatory tests. But I’m happily healthy.
So what happened? It’s a psychological phenomenon. There’s an old adage which is one of my favourites: ‘‘What we resist persists.’’ I had decided to go on a diet and a health kick. Which — as those who diet know — just puts on more weight. You are always going to ‘‘start tomorrow’’, which gives full licence to eat a lot today; and tomorrow never comes. And if it does then the feeling of deprivation hits so hard, you binge-eat. You ‘‘forget’’ to exercise because it’s hard carrying all that weight.
The attempted diet lasted two years. But then I gave it up.
So here’s what happened. I changed my goal. By going for something far bigger and more positive than losing weight, I stopped focusing and lost interest in the whole thing — thus not needing to eat to placate myself.
Let me explain. We develop an obsession when are trying to give something up. It becomes the whole focus of our being, making us feel powerless and out of control. More >
Filthy hands make food hard to swallow
Apr 8th
Filthy hands in juice bars to butchers make food and drink hard to swallow
THE other day I was thirsty, having walked for an hour in the boiling sun.
I pulled up at a gorgeous little cafe that promised freshly squeezed juices. It was just what my heart desired.
It was a quiet day so the owner was in the street having a conversation with friends and smoking a cigarette. Someone gave him money which he put in his pocket. He shook hands with another man; and while I waited at the counter he was picking up food and tissues from a table before he served me.
When I looked up from the newspaper on the bench, I saw him making the juice with the same filthy hands he had performed all those activities with — and I shudder to think what else. He was handling the fruit and putting it in the blender. I was almost sick but, having paid and being too hot and
bothered to argue, I just took the juice and threw it out. More >
Going for what you want
Apr 1st
Most are just too fearful to go for what we deeply want: passion, adventure, the creative or crazy life. We say no to opportunities out of fear.
I’VE just done a scriptwriting seminar with visiting Hollywood writer Michael Hauge on how to construct character and plot. The interesting thing is that when it comes to looking at the main character’s motivation, it could have been a lecture on psychology.
A story is like ordinary life. You take a character and you give them something they desire. An external goal: getting the girl; getting away from the small town; getting the loot; leaving the bad marriage or job. And always an outer obstacle — the other man; the bank security guards; the boss. But the most interesting thing is what Hauge said about internal goals. More >
Hoarders
Mar 26th
The annual Hoarding Conference was held recently in Sydney, but no one could find their car keys to come.A FEW weeks before I went overseas in December, I made a pact with myself. I would go through all of the boxes I’d stuffed in my wardrobe and do a spring clean. Worse than the boxes in the cupboard are the boxes in the garage, because they contain clothes that need to be sorted so that most can be given to charity. I feel guilty every time I get into my car.
I also feel depressed when I go looking for something that lives in something, put somewhere, under something, and most probably inside of something else. Like my car insurance papers, in a file that never got returned to the filing cabinet, so it was put into a plastic bag which went into a box, which went into a cupboard of unknown location.
Immortality
Mar 18th
Mortality sill confounds me. If Davy Jones can die then what about the rest of us home coming queens?
THE other night we were flicking through the channels trying to find something to watch. We ended up on an old movie with Natalie Wood, who was once one of my favourite actresses. I felt so sad that she died young, and spent a moment reflecting on her brief life. We flicked again. There was Heath Ledger looking beautiful and fragile. Maybe it was because it was a Saturday night and there were so many old movies showing, but on our third try a young Burt Lancaster flashed on to the screen.
For my partner it was too much to bear. ‘‘Everyone’s dead!’’ he said, almost alarmed. For most people it never sinks in. We never get over the shock that people we love or admire die. The fact that actors and actresses are beautiful, famous and seemingly immune always fills us with more fear when they die, or get Parkinson’s like Michael J. Fox. We get a more acute sense of mortality breathing down our necks. More >
The mighty pen
Mar 10th
Posted by Ruth Ostrow in All Posts
2 comments
“Please missus, please pen,” cries a little boy amidst a throng of children all begging for pens and school books. But I’ve just run out.
I’m in the heart of Africa, in a village in Tanzania. Like many villages it’s wracked by poverty; no running water, no electricity. Malaria is rife. Though many children are now being educated, far too many lack the basics for school such as pens and note paper.
I’ve gone and bought a box of pens to give the kids. It cost me the equivalent of two dollars to buy 50 pens. And yet most parents can’t afford even this. I stand throwing pens into the crowd of anxious faces and clawing hands as my partner snaps photos. Later we will look at the photos in the safety of our hotel room and be shocked by the desperation.
More >